The Squirrel

If you have ever worked retail, then you have been a victim of the squirrel. The squirrel is not an elusive creature, nor is it particularly desirable. Just like the fuzzy tailed tree rats who plague the trees around your home, and your gutters, your trash bins, your bird feeders, etc. A retail squirrel should be considered a pest, in the extreme.

The squirrel term was first given to me by a coworker after a particularly frustrating experience. I had been working at the Big Box 'O Discounts (BBOD) for a few months at this point. After a gentleman had wandered into my department and asked to see essentially every handgun in my case (at last count, that was 105 models), he then moved on to the long guns (that count is 185 models), then all the optics in our department (I don't even know how many). Needless to say, I spent a considerable amount of time answering the typical squirrel questions, "What caliber is this? Double action, single action, safe action? Why don't they have a Glock with a safety?" Followed by, "Which calibers do you have this in? Can you get .257 Fireball Magnum Mousegun?" Finally, "Wait, 3 by 9? You're talking about magnification?! Well hell, why don't I just get a 10 size binoculars? Why is this Leupold scope $400, instead of $100." I spent a considerable amount of time patiently answering these questions and more, before I wanted to lean across the counter and slam my squirrel's head into it. And then came the kicker, the true show of how much a pest the squirrel is...

After wasting an hour and a half of my time, asking dozens of pointless and moronic questions, just about the time I am fed up and about to scream. The squirrel who, thankfully, your livelihood is not dependent upon, states, "Well, I've got to be somewhere. I'll come back later and make a decision." And leaves. Leaving you, realizing that you answered a hundred or more moronic questions for no sale. That, folks is the true sign of the squirrel.

Just like its wildlife counterpart the retail squirrel comes in, takes you little nuggets of information, stashes them away to rot, and then goes off to pillage a bird feeder for an easier time. It is the squirrel who goes and gets a friend to find him a gun, to save five bucks, but is not ashamed to waste your time. After all, he is the customer, right?

Right. So, as a warning, Please Do Not Feed the Squirrels.

-RR